Zell's Wacky Intentions
by Carbuncle
Summary: Rinoa's dad dies and leaves her a butt load of money in his will, so the party decide to celebrate by going to Deling City. Problems soon arise when they get there though, mainly the exact amount of money Rinoa is meant to inherit. (Includes the hilarious
1. Default Chapter

FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Zell's Wacky Intentions  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. The party are sitting at their usual table)  
Irvine: ...and that's how I got this scar.  
Zell: Wow! That has to be THE most gruesome tale EVER!  
Selphie: Tell it again, Irvy! ^_^ Tell it again!  
Rinoa: Ew, no! Don't make him tell it again! I feel sick!  
Zell: Don't be such a baby, Squall's girlfriend! It wasn't THAT bad!  
Selphie: Yeah, to be honest I have heard a lot worse.  
Zell: Really? Like what?!  
Selphie: Well, it all happened when I was about thirteen. You see-  
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Attention Balamb Garden. Would Rinoa Heartilly please come to my office ASAP. Thank you.  
Rinoa: Great. I'm out of here. (leaves the table)  
Selphie: Now, as I was saying, it all happened when I was about thirteen...  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Rinoa is there with him)  
Cid: Thank you for coming, Rinoa.  
Rinoa: You wanted to speak with me?  
Cid: Yes. I'm afraid I have some rather bad news.  
Rinoa: I don't understand.  
Cid: Rinoa, we received a telephone call from Deling City this morning. It's about your father.  
Rinoa: ...yes?  
Cid: There's no easy way to say this, but... he's dead.  
Rinoa: ...dead? My God! (faints)  
Cid: Oh, crud! (into the loudspeaker) Dr. Kadowaki, can you come to my office immediately? We have an emergency. Thank you.  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Rinoa approaches the party)  
Selphie: ...and then it kept bleeding for five days!  
Zell: ...  
Squall: ...  
Irvine: ...uh, Selphie?  
Selphie: Yeah?  
Irvine: That's... uh, that's perfectly natural. What you went through was all part of normal life. It's called puberty.  
Selphie: ...well, nobody told me that!  
Squall: Oh, hey, Rinoa. What did the old fart want?  
Rinoa: Sq... Squall... take me to your dorm.  
Irvine: Ooh, she's gettin' frisky again!  
Selphie: You go, girl!  
Squall: Rinoa, I'm tired. Zell, can you go?  
Zell: (excitedly) Can I?! (jumps up from the table) Uh... I can't do it! (runs out of the room, screaming)  
Irvine: He needs some help. (pause) I'll go.  
Rinoa: Squall, I need to talk to you.  
Squall: About what, babe?  
Rinoa: ...in private.  
Squall: All right, I'm on my way! Geez!  
  
(Cut to Squall's dormitory. He and Rinoa are sat on the bed)  
Rinoa: Squall... My father... he's dead.  
Squall: Oh. Rinoa, I'm... I'm so sorry.  
Rinoa: Squall, this is totally tits.  
Squall: Totally what?!  
Rinoa: My dad left me 50,000 gil in his will! Isn't this great?!  
Squall: You sick fu... Your father has just died and all you care about is what he left you in his will?! You're unbelievable!  
Rinoa: My dad was an asshole. I hated him. Come on, can't you just be happy for me?  
Squall: How can you say that, Rinoa? I know if I'd had parents and they'd died then I would be devastated!  
Rinoa: Didn't Laguna die last month?  
Squall: Yes, but I hated Laguna. I don't give a rat's ass about him.  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are all with Rinoa)  
Irvine & Selphie & Zell: Dead?!?!  
Rinoa: Yep. And if that wasn't enough good news for the day, he also left me 50,000 gil.  
Irvine & Selphie & Zell: 50,000 gil?!?! Yahoo!!  
Rinoa: Pack your bags, everyone, 'cause we're going to Deling City!  
Zell: Wow... Deling City... Casinos...  
Selphie: ...shopping malls...  
Irvine: ...strippers... Let's go!  
  
(Cut to Deling City, the car park. Squall, Zell, Rinoa, Irvine and Selphie all get out of the coach. Squall is holding a pile of suitcases)  
Zell: Whoa! This place is mega!  
Selphie: I'm gonna shop till I stop!  
Irvine: Me too!  
Rinoa: Settle down, everybody. I have to go over to my dad's mansion and get the cash. Now don't go off too far, okay?  
Irvine & Selphie & Zell: We won't. (Rinoa leaves)  
Zell: ...  
Selphie: ...  
Irvine: ...meet you guys back here in half an hour.  
Selphie & Zell: Right! (they all run off into town)  
Squall: (from behind the pile of suitcases) Little help here! You guys? Little help! You better not leave me, 'cause I'll know! Guys?  
  
(Cut to the Caraway Mansion. Rinoa is inside with a lawyer)  
Lawyer: First of all, let me just say that I'm terribly sorry to hear about your father, Miss Heartilly.  
Rinoa: Yeah, yeah! Yadda-yadda-yadda! Get to the money!  
Lawyer: Here you are. 50 gil. Just as General Caraway wanted.  
Rinoa: 50 gil? No, you must be mistaken. I was told he'd left me 50,000 gil.  
Lawyer: 50,000 gil?! Are you on drugs?!  
Rinoa: This has to be a mistake.  
Lawyer: (shows her the will) There it is. "I leave to my darling daughter, Rinoa, the sum of 50 gil."  
Rinoa: (pause) Aw, son of a-  
  
(Cut to the car park. Squall is still there with the cases. Rinoa appears)  
Squall: ...and that's why I hate you so much, Irvine. Now, on to Zell-  
Rinoa: Squall, where are the others?  
Squall: Aren't they here?  
Rinoa: No.  
Squall: Dammit, they tricked me! They were told NOT to move!  
Rinoa: (sighs) Well it doesn't matter now anyway. I'm not going to be a gilionnaire. The stupid lawyers must've read the will wrong. It turns out I'm only entitled to a measly 50 gil. I mean, how sad is that?!  
Squall: I'm sorry, Rinoa.  
Rinoa: (begins to cry) Why?! Why?! Waaaaaaa! (Selphie, Irvine and Zell return; Selphie is wearing a blue dress instead of her yellow one and Irvine's face is covered with lipstick)  
Irvine: So Rinoa's finally letting the pain out. Good for you, Rinoa. It isn't right to keep your tears bottled up like that. Let it all out. Anyway, can we have our share of the 50,000 gil now, please?  
Rinoa: Waaaaaaa!  
Irvine: I'll take that as a no, then?  
Squall: (drops the suitcases onto the ground) Irvine, Rinoa isn't a gilionnaire anymore. It turns out her father only left her 50 gil.  
Irvine: Wha? (starts to cry)  
Selphie: ...but I just spent 200 gil on this dress! I... I thought I'd get it all back, and then some! (starts to cry)  
Zell: Do we still have enough money to get home?  
Squall: Well I've still got 400 gil.  
Zell: Th... That isn't gonna be enough for all five of us! That'll only get one of us back by my calculations!  
Squall: Your calculations suck, Zell. It'll get TWO of us back.  
Zell: Aaagh! We're stranded in Deling City and I suck at math! Life can't get any worse! (begins to cry)  
Squall: Aw, will you all knock it off?! So we didn't get what we expected - big deal! We can still get back home!  
Rinoa: (sniffs) That isn't the point, Squall.  
Irvine: Yeah, we wanted to be rich!  
Selphie: And we wanted to have a good time here in the big city!  
Zell: The dream is over!  
Squall: Okay, okay! I know how we can get out of this!  
Zell: (sniffs) How?  
Squall: Easy. Rinoa and I will go back to Balamb Garden, and then maybe Cid'll cough up the extra gil we need to send for you three.  
Zell: That doesn't sound like a very good plan, man.  
Squall: It's the best we can come up with. C'mon, Rinoa.  
Irvine: But you can't leave us here with no cash!  
Selphie: Yeah, have a heart, Squall!  
Squall: I'm sorry, but we have to make small sacrifices. Here. You can have Rinoa's 50 gil. Try to make it stretch.  
Rinoa: (cries) No! They can't have it! It's mine! (clutches her 50 gil tightly)  
Irvine: But Rinoa, we need that cash to keep our sanity! (Rinoa pokes her tongue out at him) Aw, come on! Be reasonable!  
Squall: Come on, Rinoa, do it for me?  
Rinoa: Well... no! (jumps onto the coach and pokes her head out of the window) Come on, Squally! Let's get the hell out of here!  
Squall: ...see ya guys. Don't get into TOO much trouble.  
Zell: Aw gee, we're flat broke, Squall. What kind of trouble do you expect us to get into with no money?! (Squall gets onto the coach with Rinoa and it leaves the town) Aw, #@$%!  
Selphie: Now what're we gonna do?  
Zell: We're gonna raise enough money to get our asses out of here!  
Selphie: But Squall said he'd talk to Cid and-  
Zell: Yeah?! And what's that old fart gonna do?! You think he's just gonna cough up 600 gil to get us home?! I'd like to see that!  
Irvine: So what do you suggest, Zell?  
Zell: I'm afraid there's only one thing we can do... We have to face our deepest fears and... get jobs. (dramatic music)  
Selphie: No! God, no!  
Irvine: Waaaaaaa! I don't want to get a job!  
Zell: Neither do I, but it's the only way we can raise the money to get home. We better start lookin' right now. (Selphie and Irvine stare at each other in horror)  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, Headmaster Cid's office. Cid is sitting at his desk. Squall and Rinoa burst in)  
Cid: What the? Squall? Rinoa? What is the meaning of this?!  
Squall: Sir, we have a problem.  
Cid: Uh huh?  
Squall: Our friends are stranded on the other side of the planet. We need about 600 gil to pay for their safe return.  
Cid: Rinoa, didn't you make 50,000 gil from your dead father? (Rinoa cries) Oops! Did I say something wrong?  
Squall: We need your help, Cid. Can you loan us the bus money?  
Cid: I'd love to Squall, but I just cannot afford it this month. Edea needs a new hair dryer. You should've asked me yesterday; it wouldn't have been a problem then.  
Squall: Damn! So I guess Zell and the others are pretty screwed then, huh?  
Cid: Yes.  
Squall: Damn, damn, damn!  
Rinoa: (sniffs) Oh, why did they lie to me, Squall?! Why?! Waaaaaaa!  
  
(Cut to Deling City. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are in the main streets)  
Zell: Any luck?  
Selphie: Nope. Do you know how hard it is to get a job these days?  
Irvine: The Job Center has nothing! Nothing I tell ya!  
Zell: Then we're totally and utterly screwed. We might as well walk back to Balamb.  
Irvine: Do you realise how long that would take?!  
Zell: Well there's little else we can do! If you've got a better idea on how we can get back home then feel free to share it with the rest of us!  
Irvine: Now that you mention it... there just might be another way to pay for our bus ride home.  
Zell: Enlighten us.  
Irvine: I'll do better than that. Follow me.  
  
(Cut to Deling City Sperm Bank. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are all standing outside)  
Zell: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am NOT donatin' my tadpoles!  
Irvine: They pay you 50 gil a tube! That means all you'd have to do was jack off ten times and we'd have the money - no problem!  
Zell: Dude, I can't jack off the hot rod ten times in one night! It isn't possible! Anyway, why can't YOU whack your load instead?!  
Irvine: Heh! I have an image to protect. 'Sides, I need my sperm to fill up Selphie once every week.  
Zell: ...you only do it with her once a week? God, if she was my girl I'd do her once every night, and then some!  
Selphie: Um, excuse me, but I'm standing right here!  
Irvine: Look, Zell, all you have to do is donate some of your sperm and earn us enough money to get back home! How hard could that be?!  
Zell: Very, I'm sure.  
Irvine: Zell, buddy, pal!  
Zell: No! I'm not doin' it! You can't make me!  
Irvine: 'Kay, fine! Don't do it! We'll just be stuck here bored stiff with nothing to do for God knows how long!  
Zell: ...all right, all right! I'll friggin' do it then!  
Irvine: Great. You're the man, Zell.  
Zell: Ugh! I'm totally gonna regret this!  
  
(Cut to Deling City Sperm Bank, the reception area. Zell, Irvine and Selphie all walk in)  
Receptionist: Can I help you sad people?  
Irvine: My friend here would like to donate some of his sperm.  
Receptionist: (to Selphie) ...if you'd like to step this way, sir.  
Irvine: No, not her. Zell, go with the nice lady.  
Zell: Ugh... I'm gonna kill you for this, Irvine! (Zell follows the receptionist upstairs)  
  
(Cut to the 2F. Zell and the receptionist walk through the corridor towards an empty room)  
Receptionist: (gives him a tube) It has to be at least (indicating) this full to classify. Would you like a magazine or... or a video?  
Zell: Uh... I'll have a magazine. Ooh, have you got any PlayStation ones?  
Receptionist: No, I mean--here. (hands him a copy of Girl Next Door) Enjoy.  
Zell: Holy crap! This's a porno mag!  
Receptionist: Then would you prefer a video?  
Zell: Yeah, how about a comedy?  
Receptionist: Sir, you are REALLY beginning to try my patience. Please take the magazine into the room and do your thing. (leaves)  
Zell: Alrighty then. (walks into the empty room and sits on the desk) Doo-dee-doo... So, what've we got here? (looks at the center pages of the magazine) Jesus Christ!! What the hell's Instructor Trepe doin' in here?!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the lobby. Zell, Irvine and Selphie walk in)  
Selphie: Hurray! We made it home sweet home! (runs off)  
Irvine: We couldn't have done it without you, Zell. Thanks, pal.  
Zell: ...do you realise that my balls have dried up worse than the Obel Lake in summer time?!  
Irvine: Couldn't have done it without you, Zell. Couldn't have done it without you.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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	2. Zell's Comedy Hour

FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Zell's Comedy Clips  
  
(Open to the Roshfall Forest. Zell and Martine are walking through the forest)  
Martine: So, you think you can tear down this whole forest?  
Zell: Sure can. I was the champion tree feller, you know. I tore down the entire Kashkabald Forest.  
Martine: No, no, no. You mean the Kashkabald Desert.  
Zell: ...well, yeah. It is now.  
  
(Cut to Balamb, the local tavern. Zell is sat at the bar. Xu walks in)  
Xu: Well hi there, you Balamb hunk.  
Zell: (checking her out) Hello there. Can I get you a drink?  
Xu: Uh sure... I'll have a glass of champagne, I guess.  
Zell: Is that what you guess, eh? (turns away from her) Well you can pissin' guess again!  
  
(Cut to Winhill, the Golf Club. Zell is playing golf in the fields. He swings to hit the ball but he misses and falls over onto the ground. Cid comes over to help him up)  
Cid: Are you okay?  
Zell: Bastard! I missed the bastard!  
Cid: You didn't just hit a golf ball down onto that road just now, did you?  
Zell: Yeah, but it's okay - I got another ball.  
Cid: Hm? You see, what happened was the ball went through the window of this coach full of children, see? And then it hit the bus driver, which caused the bus to plunge 50ft off the cliff into the sea below, and now he's dead.  
Zell: Christ! And the kids?!  
Cid: They're dead too. The kids are all dead.  
Zell: (stunned) Wh... Whatever should I do?  
Cid: Well, you've got to hold your golf stick properly. (helps Zell hold his golf club properly) There you go. You'll have a better chance of hitting the ball now.  
  
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. There's a dog in the corner of the room licking his private parts. Zell is sat at the bar. Irvine walks in)  
Irvine: (looking at the dog) Heh, look at that dog licking his own balls. I wish I could do that.  
Zell: ...give him a biscuit, he might lick you.  
  
(Cut to Winhill, the Golf Club. Zell has his head bowed in respect as a funeral car passes by. Cid approaches him)  
Cid: It amazes me. You've been playing golf non-stop for the last three years, and you'd still stop for that funeral.  
Zell: Well, it's out of respect. She was my mother, after all.  
  
(Cut to Balamb, the local tavern. Zell is swatting flies. Seifer walks in)  
Zell: (swatting the fly) Bastard... bastard ass fly... bastard! (the fly lands on Seifer's nose)  
Seifer: Hey Chicken-Wuss, what the hell's this on my face?  
Zell: Ah, well y'see in Balamb we call them ass flies, 'cause what they do is they fly around a chocobo's ass.  
Seifer: Are you sayin' my face looks like a chocobo's ass?!  
Zell: Why, no. I wouldn't be so rude as to say so - but you're not foolin' that ass fly.  
  
(Cut to Chocobo Forest. Zell approaches Chocoboy)  
Zell: Uh, hi. Look, I'm really sorry but I think I've just killed one of your chocobos.  
Chocoboy: Really?! What colour was it?!  
Zell: White.  
Chocoboy: You haven't killed my prize male chocobo?!  
Zell: I'm sorry.  
Chocoboy: You wanker!  
Zell: (takes out his wallet) I'd like to replace it.  
Chocoboy: All right, if you're sure. The female chocobos are all behind the bushes. Do as many as you can.  
  
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell is sat at the bar with Irvine. Irvine begins to admire a pair of antlers on the wall)  
Irvine: That's a fine set of antlers you've got there.  
Zell: I'd say. They killed my uncle.  
Irvine: What? Gored him to death?  
Zell: No, you Galbadian prick! He was playin' chess and they fell on his head.  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Zell is sitting at the table. The lunch lady brings him a hot dog)  
Lunch Lady: Here you go.  
Zell: Did I order a hot dog?  
Lunch Lady: No. That young woman with the nice hooters just bought it for you. She said she used to be in the same orphanage as you when you were still a child.  
Zell: (thinks) Nope. There was no girl in my orphanage with a nice set of hooters...  
  
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell is talking to Irvine)  
Irvine: Is it true that Squall had both his ears bitten off last week, Zell?  
Zell: Oh yeah! 'Cause, what happened was Squall went to see Dr. Kadowaki and she said she'd get him some replacement ears, 'cause he couldn't hear properly because the part of the ear that catches sound had gone. So anyway, she got him some new ears, but the problem was they weren't a matchin' pair.  
Irvine: Oh...  
Zell: Y'see, one of 'em was a dog's ear, and the other one was a moogle's ear. Dr. Kadowaki said that if he let his hair grow over the ears then no one would notice. So she sewed 'em on and everything has been fine for him. Squall hasn't had no trouble. However, he went back to Dr. Kadowaki for a routine check up, just to be on the safe side.  
Irvine: What happened next?  
Zell: She asked him how his new ears were doing, and he told her the dog's ear was great because he could pick up minute whistles that no other human could hear.  
Irvine: And what about the moogle's ear?  
Zell: Well, he said he was gettin' a lot of crap out of that one.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
